Today I'm getting an opportunity to practice acceptance, and not, as I had hoped, with fame and celebrity as my teachers. Today my children will be my teachers. More specifically, the one who just used a DVD as a Chinese throwing star will be my teacher.
While sitting outside I heard the first stirrings of a familiar symphony. The voices, coming from inside, were slow and quiet, like the string section being warming up. Child 1 saying something to Child 2. Tempo speed-up. Request denied? New sounds. Developing fury. Hissed insults. I hate you. You're stupid. The base sounds of physical contact, but what kind? Skull against stomach? Palm of hand shoving at leg? Then: crescendo.
I felt its percussive intensity in my chest, which is where the emotions of anger, confusion, fear and frustration always show up. The internal voices started shouting. This is not acceptable. What if the neighbors hear? What if someone gets hurt? Do something. Knock heads together, if you must, the way your dad did.
In the past, I gave in to those internal voices and acted on their advice. Today I don't. I know that they are conditioned responses. They only know resistance and struggle. And their advice always leads to the same self-defeating, action loops.
I never understood in the past what people meant when they said we make real the thing we defend against. Now I do. When I'm afraid of what is in front of me or in me, I tense up. I direct all my energy toward opposing it. In the process, I become exactly the thing I resist. The frustration, anger and rage that had once been outside me now move in me.
That's why acceptance is always the answer.
I let go of the held breath and relaxed my muscles. I surrendered to this thing. I didn't even bother labeling it cacophony. And, in a couple of minutes, the movement was over. No one got hurt. No one needed my help.
I went back to writing.
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